


"The Day Trip"

by m_k



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament), Seinfeld
Genre: Gen, Mash-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:07:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28022922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_k/pseuds/m_k
Summary: During a day trip to Jerusalem, Jesus becomes determined to flip some tables. Peter wants to date a tall, blond Roman. John becomes involved in a Samaritan revolt. And Mary dates a Roman spy.
Kudos: 6





	"The Day Trip"

**Author's Note:**

> Jesus = Jerry  
> Peter = George  
> Mary = Elaine  
> John = Kramer

_# OPENING_

_EXTERIOR. THE OPEN-AIR MARKET IN JERUSALEM, 33 AD—DAY._

_Jerusalem is bustling. Jesus, Mary, Peter, and John meander through the sun-drenched market, approaching the Temple._

MARY ( _Ebulliently_ ) Day trip to Jerusalem! ( _To Peter_ ) I bet this is a shock to *your* system.

PETER ( _Scoffing_ ) Please, I’ve been to Jerusalem before. You don’t think I’m cosmopolitan?

MARY ( _Laughing_ ) All right, which way is Herod’s palace?

PETER ( _Sheepishly_ ) Being cosmopolitan and being good at directions are two different things.

MARY ( _Mouthing the word to Jesus_ ) *Fisherman*.

JOHN Jerusalem is hardly what I’d call a big city.

JESUS ( _To John_ ) Remind me why you’re here again?

JOHN Hanging out.

PETER ( _To John_ ) I thought you said you were looking for a job?

JOHN ( _Sagely_ ) Well, the best way to look for a job is to hang out. That’s how you make connections.

JESUS ( _Skeptically_ ) I guess that must be true…if you’re not willing to do the actual work of looking for a job.

_John winks and clicks with his mouth, indicating Jesus gets him._

JOHN ( _Wandering off_ ) I’ll see you cats later.

_EXTERIOR. THE ROMAN CLOAK SHOP—DAY._

_Peter becomes excited about a fancy merchant stall they are passing, with bright cloaks on display edged in various colors._

PETER Look at those cloaks. They’re amazing!

JESUS ( _Chidingly_ ) Peter, those are Roman-style cloaks.

PETER ( _Whining_ ) There’s no rule that says I can’t try them on.

JESUS Fine. I’ll be at the Temple. Praying for you.

_Peter waves them off, and they continue through the market toward the Temple._

MARY You know, you should expand your horizons a bit. The whole city of Jerusalem, and you go to the Temple.

JESUS ( _Patiently_ ) I’m a rabbi.

MARY It’s just…you’re so predictable.

JESUS ( _Offended_ ) I do plenty of unpredictable things!

MARY Uh huh.

JESUS What are you going to do while I’m in the Temple?

MARY ( _Thinking_ ) Walk the streets. Take in the sights.

JESUS You’re just going to walk the streets of Jerusalem? Someone might think you’re a….

MARY ( _Confused_ ) A what?

_Jesus shrugs._

_# ACT I_

_EXTERIOR. THE TEMPLE IN JERUSALEM—DAY._

_They both see that the Temple is in chaos. The outer court is filled with money changers’ tables and crowds of people crushed together, yelling and doing business._

JESUS ( _Shocked_ ) Look at this!

_Mary is fascinated by the noisy, dangerous scene._

MARY Maybe I’ll just hang out right here.

_Jesus climbs the Temple steps and approaches the throbbing mass of loud people. He grabs a passerby._

JESUS What’s going on?

PASSERBY The exchange rate fell. People are cashing out.

JESUS But I’m a rabbi. How am I supposed to get into the Temple to pray?

_The passerby has no answer._

_Watching from a distance, Mary notices an attractive man nearby staring at her admiringly._

ROMAN SPY ( _Smoothly_ ) Hello.

MARY Nice day…for a riot.

_Mary smiles at him dazzlingly. They both laugh._

_EXTERIOR. THE ROMAN CLOAK SHOP—DAY._

_Peter is admiring himself in a white Roman robe. The merchant woman, a tall, blond Roman, approaches and smiles at him._

MERCHANT WOMAN You look good in that.

PETER Really?

MERCHANT WOMAN ( _Nodding_ ) Very attractive. You should buy it.

PETER I will! Hey, listen, I’m just in town for a couple of days. Maybe, when you get off work, you can show me the sights.

MERCHANT WOMAN ( _Sizing him up_ ) All right.

PETER All right!

_EXTERIOR. THE OPEN AIR MARKET—DAY._

_John, strolling along, nears a group of men dressed in outfits with blue fringes. They are Samaritans. Their leader is speaking forcefully, and John, now curious, stops to listen._

SAMARITAN The Romans don’t belong here, do they?

_The men answer in unison._

RABBLE No!

JOHN ( _Joining in late_ ) No!

SAMARITAN Someone has to take a stand, am I right?

RABBLE Yeah!

JOHN ( _More forcefully_ ) Yeah!

SAMARITAN Someone has to do something about it!

RABBLE Hallelujah!

JOHN ( _Excited and happy_ ) Amen!

_EXTERIOR. THE TEMPLE IN JERUSALEM—DAY._

_Mary is waiting. A frustrated Jesus approaches and speaks._

JESUS Did you see that? I couldn’t even get into the Temple to pray. It was a disgrace.

MARY ( _Unimpressed_ ) Yeah that was a shame. ( _Brightly_ ) Hey, I met a guy!

JESUS ( _Confused_ ) In the three seconds I was at the Temple, you met a guy?

MARY ( _Smiling, pointing_ ) He’s over there.

JESUS That guy?

MARY ( _Whispering_ ) He’s the son of a Pharisee.

JESUS What? I don’t think so. He’s as goy as goy gets. Look at his nose. That’s a Roman nose. It’s aquiline. He’s Roman.

MARY That’s ridiculous. It’s not aquiline…is it?

JESUS That guy is a Roman spy.

MARY ( _Skeptical_ ) That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Prove it.

JESUS ( _Confidently_ ) Follow me….

_Jesus and Mary approach the Roman spy, who is still standing and observing._

JESUS ( _To spy_ ) Hail Caesar.

ROMAN SPY ( _Confused_ ) What? ( _Noticing Mary_ ) Oh, Mary! Are we still on for tonight?

_Mary gloats, looking at Jesus and smiling broadly._

MARY Yes. Yes we are.

_The Roman spy winks at Jesus and departs._

JESUS Never trust a Roman.

MARY ( _Angrily_ ) He’s not Roman!

_Peter approaches, wearing his newly purchased Roman tunic._

JESUS ( _Flabbergasted_ ) What are you wearing?

PETER ( _Proudly_ ) I met a Roman girl. I’m taking her out tonight.

JESUS Were you wearing that when you met her?

PETER Yeah. So?

JESUS Don’t you see? She thinks you’re Roman!

PETER ( _Dismissively_ ) You can tell by my accent I’m not Roman!

JESUS Peter! The Roman Empire encompasses the known world. She probably just thought you were from out of town.

PETER Well, I did mention…that I was from out of town. Well, who cares? Look this girl is tall, blond, and Roman. Basically, my wildest fantasy is coming true tonight. I can’t let some petty misunderstanding—

JESUS A lie, you mean?

PETER —get in the way. So…what have you guys been up to?

JESUS I saw God’s house being desecrated.

MARY And I’m dating a Roman spy.

PETER. Huh.

_John approaches, smiling._

MARY Where have you been?

JOHN ( _Pointing_ ) I’ve been hanging out with those guys.

PETER Are you crazy? Didn’t you notice the clothing? Those guys are Samaritans! Not that there is anything wrong with that.

JOHN But…they’re cool. ( _Earnestly_ ) They care more about Judea than anyone. I’m hanging out with them latter.

JESUS Well, what am *I* going to do? I had intended to spend the day praying in the Temple. ( _Looking at Mary_ ) Maybe it’s time to do something unpredictable…

MARY ( _Chuckling_ ) Like what?

JESUS ( _Avidly_ ) Like flipping over some money changers’ tables.

PETER ( _Reluctantly_ ) Jesus…you’re not really the table flipping type. You’re not a table flipper.

JESUS ( _Arguing_ ) I could be a table flipper.

JOHN The problem is, you start flipping tables, people will expect you to flip tables every time you show up. ( _Mock horror, in high-pitched voice_ ) You’re not going to flip the tables, are you?

JESUS I don’t care. I’m going to flip some tables.

_Jesus strides toward the Temple. Peter desperately grabs Mary._

PETER He can’t flip the tables. All my money is in _shekels_. I have to exchange it for _denarii_ if I’m going to take the Roman girl to the Roman part of town.

MARY Peter, is that wise? Someone is going to kick your a—

PETER I gotta exchange that money! I need you to catch Jesus and distract him. Go! Go!

_# ACT II_

_EXTERIOR. THE TEMPLE IN JERUSALEM—DAY._

_Mary, running, catches up with Jesus before he makes it to the Temple._

MARY ( _Out of breath_ ) Hey! Around the corner, there’s a stall selling Roman food.

JESUS So?

MARY So I know you like cereal. They sell parched barley, coated in honey, drenched in goats’ milk. And they sell it all day long!

JESUS So I can go there now, in the middle of the day, and eat breakfast food.

_Mary, still out of breath, nods._

JESUS ( _Glancing at Temple court_ ) Well, things still look a little crazy up there. I guess I can come back when there are fewer people and I can move around more. You need some room to flip tables.

MARY ( _Agreeing_ ) You can’t flip tables without at least *some* room.

_EXTERIOR. THE OPEN AIR MARKET—DAY._

_Peter is passing by the rowdy group of Samaritans, heading toward the Temple. He waves distractedly at them._

PETER _(To Samaritans)_ Shalom.

_The Samaritans fan out and block his path._

SAMARITAN What’s this, a Jew in a toga? A Roman sympathizer?

PETER Trust me, I have no sympathy. It’s what I’m known for. If you’ll excuse me, I have to get to the Temple.

SAMARITAN Let me guess…you want to exchange your Judean _shekels_ for Roman _denarii_.

PETER ( _Sheepishly_ ) Yeah…well…as the Romans say… _Adios!_

_Peter breaks into a run and the angry Samaritans chase after him._

_EXTERIOR. THE MARKET, NEAR THE ROMAN CEREAL STAND—DAY._

_Jesus and Mary are sitting on a low bench, eating their bowls of cereal, with wooden spoons._

JESUS I could eat this stuff all day.

MARY ( _Laughing_ ) What about that Pharisee who thought I was your wife? And when you said that you weren’t married, he’s like, “A rabbi should be married!”

JESUS I’m just waiting for the right woman….

MARY Well, I got news for you. No woman will ever meet your specifications. No woman is that patient.

JESUS Well, I’m going to keep looking for that “lamp under a bushel.”

MARY Oh, not the parables!

JESUS What’s wrong with my parables?

MARY Oh, please. Any shepherd who leaves his flock to look for one lost sheep is going to get his tukhus canned.

JESUS You missed the whole point of the parable. The one sheep was worth all the other sheep put together.

MARY But you forgot to say that part.

JESUS No I didn’t…did I?

_EXTERIOR. THE OPEN AIR MARKET—DAY._

_John is hanging out again with the Samaritans._

SAMARITAN They say we’re not as Jewish as they are. But they’re the ones who left for a hundred years and came back foreigners.

JOHN Yeah!

SAMARITAN Babylonian Jews, who needs them?

JOHN Yeah, back to Babylon!

RABBLE ( _Chanting_ ) Back to Babylon! Back to Babylon!

_The Samaritans all cheer and pat John on the back._

_# ACT III_

_EXTERIOR. THE ROMAN CLOAK SHOP—DAY._

_Peter is talking to the tall, blond Roman merchant girl._

PETER You see, the per diems that Caesar gives me are all in shekels, because obviously I’m here in Judea. Maybe we can just go visit some Jewish places instead of Roman ones.

MERCHANT WOMAN No.

PETER Well…I guess I can just…go exchange these for _denarii_.

MERCHANT WOMAN Make it happen.

_EXTERIOR. THE MARKET, NEAR THE ROMAN CEREAL STAND—DAY._

_Mary and Jesus continue to sit and eat._

MARY It’s not just the parables, Jesus. It’s the—

_The Roman spy rushes up to the two of them, desperate to talk to Mary. She stands and faces him._

ROMAN SPY Mary, Mary…I have to level with you. I’m a Roman spy. I just—I…you’re the most captivating Jewess I’ve ever set eyes on. I’d choose you over Caesar any day.

MARY ( _Impressed_ ) Over Caesar, you say…?

JESUS I don’t believe this.

MARY ( _Seductively, to Roman spy_ ) Let’s say you and me get out of this joint.

_EXTERIOR. THE OPEN AIR MARKET—DAY._

_The Samaritan leader is rousing his followers._

SAMARITAN The time for action is now!

RABBLE Yeah!

JOHN I actually have a friend…who’s going to flip over the tables at the Temple! Just to show the Romans who’s boss!

SAMARITAN That’s brilliant!

RABBLE Yeah!

SAMARITAN Let’s go flip some tables!

_They all, including John, rush toward the Temple._

_EXTERIOR. THE TEMPLE IN JERUSALEM—DAY._

_Jesus is striding toward the Temple._

JESUS ( _Determinedly, to self_ ) I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna flip some tables.

_Peter runs up and intercepts him, trying to restrain him._

PETER Now, wait a minute Jesus! Don’t do anything you’ll regret!

JESUS I won’t regret it!

_Jesus frees himself from Peter’s grasp and marches heroically toward the Temple steps._

_Unfortunately, he is pushed aside by a large angry mob of Samaritans and Judeans, including John, who invade the Temple court and in short order flip all the tables._

_Peter helps Jesus to his feet, and points._

PETER John’s up there! He’s flipping tables!

JESUS ( _Astonished_ ) I don’t believe it!

_John, caught up in the frenzy, is flipping tables like a madman and screaming._

JOHN Yeah!

_# TAG_

_EXTERIOR. THE OPEN AIR MARKET—EVENING._

_Jesus, Peter, and John are walking tiredly through the Market._

JESUS ( _To Peter_ ) What about the date with the Roman girl?

PETER That date is off, as is the fulfillment of a life-long fantasy involving a tall, blond Roman woman.

JESUS Let me guess…you tried to get a refund on the toga.

PETER. It’s a cloak, not a toga. And she said she’d see me in Gehenna.

JOHN Isn’t that right outside the city wall?

PETER I don’t think she meant it literally, John.

JOHN ( _To Jesus_ ) Well, sorry about the table flipping thing.

JESUS Well, I *wanted* to do it. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the same as doing it. From now on I’m just going to say that I was there, at the Temple, when tables were being flipped, and let people draw their own conclusions.

JOHN Where’s Mary?

JESUS Dating the Roman spy.

PETER I’m sure that will turn out fine.

_Mary runs up and joins them as they walk._

JESUS What about the spy who loved you?

MARY He’s married. His wife walked in when he was showing me his spear.

_They all cringe._

JESUS I guess that about wraps it up for Jerusalem, then.

PETER Are we staying at your friend’s house? The one with the upper room?

JESUS Yup.

PETER Not many houses have the upper room. Gotta love the upper room.

JESUS Yup.

_The four disappear into the crowd filling the market._

_# END_


End file.
